An Easter Wish….. (Happy Easter Folks)

The Pope vs The Jews……..It’s Only A Joke – OK!

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy ; if the Pope won, they’d have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a ‘silent’ debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, ‘First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

‘Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

‘I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

‘He bested me at every move and I could not continue.’

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he’d won.

‘I haven’t a clue’ the rabbi said. ‘First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger.

‘Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.’

‘And then what?’ asked a woman.

‘Who knows?’ said the rabbi. ‘He took out his lunch so I took out mine.’

Bless Me Father – I Have Sinned……..

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: “Father … during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”

The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to confess that.”

“There is more to tell Father.  She started to repay me with sexual favors

This happened several times a week and sometimes twice on Sundays.”

The priest said. “That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.  However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”

“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind.  I do have one more question.”

“And what is that?” asked the priest.

“Should I tell her the war is over?”.

Joke Of The Day – Bless Me Father, I Have Sinned……..

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to
the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
“Father … during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her
from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”

The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no
need to confess that.”

“There is more to tell Father.  She started to repay me with sexual favours
This happened several times a week and sometimes twice on Sundays.”

The priest said. “That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you
placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.  However,
if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”

“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind.  I do have one more
question.”

“And what is that?” asked the priest.

“Should I tell her the war is over?”.

It must be tough to run a Muslim household….. No one wants to bring home the bacon.

The Pope vs The Jews……..It’s Only the Joke of the day OK!

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy ; if the Pope won, they’d have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a ‘silent’ debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, ‘First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

‘Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

‘I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

‘He bested me at every move and I could not continue.’

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he’d won.

‘I haven’t a clue’ the rabbi said. ‘First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger.

‘Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.’

‘And then what?’ asked a woman.

‘Who knows?’ said the rabbi. ‘He took out his lunch so I took out mine.’

Joke Of The Day – A young Jewish guy develops a crush on a girl, butwhen he tells his Father…

A young Jewish guy develops a crush on a girl, but when he tells his Father about her, the old boy just wants to know her family name.

When the young guy tells him that the girl’s name is Ford, the old boy tells him that Ford is not a good Jewish name, and he must forget her, and go and find a nice Jewish girl.

So time passes, and the young guy finds another girl, but her name is Austin, so his Father tells him the same thing, to find a nice Jewish girl with a nice Jewish name.

So more time passes, and the young guy finds another girl, but this time he is sure that he has solved the problem because the girl’s name is Goldberg. “Goldberg !” exclaims his Father, “This makes me very happy because it is a real good Jewish name, and from a good established family”

Then he asks what her first name is. “Is it one of my favourite names, like Rachael, or Rebecca ?” “No Father” replied the young guy.

“It’s Whoopi

For the love of God, turn the page. You are….

cat slow reader

Go to Hell for Laughing….

Joke Of The Day – Bunty the organist

boobs

There was a small church in Nempnett Thrubwell, Somerset, England, that had a very big-busted organist, by the name of Bunty.

Bunty’s breasts were so huge that they inadvertently bounced and jiggled the entire time she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she  distracted most of the congregation considerably, both male and female.

The very proper church ladies of the WI were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached Bunty, very discreetly, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, ‘because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won’t be able to talk properly for a week!

Bunty the perky organist agreed to try rubbing the persimmons on her nipples.

The following Sunday morning Tarquin the Vicar got up in the pulpit and said…

‘Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not haff a thermon tewday.

Thank God it is not Jehovah’s Witness at the door… it is -

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.  Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim  if he’d like a drink.

He replied in disgust   “I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch  my lips!”

Paddy handed his drink back and said  “Me too, I  didn’t know we had a choice!”

Smile…Because you might need -

Sile to prove yourself

There’s Proof That Jesus Was A Black Man…..

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was a  Black Man :
> 1. He called everyone brother.
> 2. He liked Gospel.
> 3. He couldn’t get a fair trial.

Thank God It’s Friday…..Nimbin Nun -

nun marij

Dark Disney Humor…..

Burqha whore

Religious Charities – A question….

image012

Joke Of The Day – Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide ….

Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won’t be identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon head for the beach.

They notice a gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini. “Good afternoon, Fathers” she says as she strolls by.

The men are stunned. How does she know they are clergy? Later that day, they buy even wilder attire consisting of surfer shorts, tie dyed T-shirts, and dark glasses.

The next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blond, now wearing a string bikini, passes by, nods politely at them and says, “Good morning Fathers.”

“Just a minute young lady.”, says one of the priests. “We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?”

The blonde replies, “Don’t you recognize me? I’m sister Katherine from the convent.”

Religion – They’re all basically like this…….

image009

Got the bed cover situation sorted… In this dream I had….

Bed tonight

Joke Of The Day – ‘Religion, Royalty and Sex…

Religion, royalty, and sex

A class of students were asked to write a story that would include sex,  royalty and religion, i.e. all the ingredients for a best seller.

One student got an A with just one sentence: “Oh my God”, said the  queen, “I’m pregnant again!”

Joke Of The Day….. Three Nuns die and ……

Three nuns die and go to heaven. St. Peter stops them at the Pearly Gates and says “To enter heaven you must each answer a bible question!”

St. Peter asks the first nun, “Who built the ark to save humanity from the flood?”
Nun says “Noah!”
Thunder claps, gates open, the nun walks in.

St. Peter asks the second nun, “who slung the stone and killed Goliath?”
Nun says “David!”
Thunder claps, gates open, nun walks in.

St. Peter asks the third nun, “What is the first thing Eve said when God sent her to the Man?”
Nun thinks. Think some more. And more.
Nun finally says, “That’s a hard one…”
Aaaaaand thunder claps, gates open, and the nun walks in.

Joke Of The Day – WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like  beer  sat down on a subway next to a  priest.

The man’s tie was stained, his  face  was plastered with red  lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was  sticking  out of his torn coat  pocket.  He  opened his newspaper  and  began  reading.

After a few minutes the  man  turned to the priest and  asked,  ‘Say  Father,    what causes  arthritis?’

The priest replies, ‘My Son,  it’s  caused by loose  living, being  with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol,  contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with  prostitutes and lack of a  bath.’

The drunk muttered in  response,  ‘Well, I’ll be  damned,  ‘  Then returned  to his  paper.

The priest, thinking about  what  he had said, nudged the  man and apologized. ‘I’m very  sorry.  I didn’t mean to come on so  strong.

How long have you had  arthritis?’

The drunk answered,  ‘I don’t have it,  Father.  I was just reading  here  that the Pope  does.’

Sunday Funny: God Said "Adam, I want you to -

God said, “Adam, I want you to do something for Me.”

Adam said, “Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?” 

God said, “Go down into that valley.”

Adam said, “What’s a valley?” 

God explained it to him.

 Then God said, “Cross the river.”

Adam said, “What’s a river?”

God explained that to him, and then said, “Go over to the hill….”

Adam said, “What is a hill?” 

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, “On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.”

Adam said, ‘What’s a cave?’ 

After God explained, He said, “In the cave you will find a woman.”

Adam said, “What’s a woman?’ 

So God explained that to him, too.  Then, God said, ‘I want you to reproduce.”

Adam said, “How do I do that?”

God first said (under His breath), “Geez…..” And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, “What is it now?”

And Adam said….

*

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(YOU’RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!)

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*

*

“What’s a headache?”

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but…..

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but,

by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.

I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!

Proof that Jesus Was A Woman….

 Proof that Jesus was a woman:

  1. He fed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was no food.

 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.

Todays Rude & Crude Joke – The Pastor’s Ass…….

The Pastor’s Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey  that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

The local paper read:   PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS  ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:  NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being  concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your
life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and you’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

Have a nice day!

Late entry for the Joke of Today – WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

 WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

 A drunk man who smelled strongly of beer sat down on on the Tube next > to a priest.

The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat  pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say > Father, what causes arthritis?”

The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”

The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be buggered, ” Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

“I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. 

How long have you had arthritis?”

The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Very Course Religious Joke – A Priest goes fishing and hooks a huge fish…….

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says “Whoa, look at the size of that f**ker!”
 
“Hey, mind your language!” says the priest.
 
Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, “sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called – it’s a F**ker fish”
 
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
 
“Look at this huge f**ker” says the priest, spotting the bishop.
 
“Language please! This is God’s house,” replies the bishop.
 
“No, no – that’s what this fish is called,” says the priest.
 
“Oh,” says the bishop, scratching his chin “I could clean that f**ker And we could have it for dinner”..
 
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.
 
“Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?” he asks her.
 
“My, what language!” she exclaims, clearly shocked.
 
“No, sister that’s what the fish is called – a f**ker” says the bishop.
 
Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, “wonderful, I’ll cook that f**ker tonight, the Pope is coming for dinner!”
 
The fish tastes just great and the Pope asks where they got it.
 
“Well, I caught the f**ker!” says the priest.
 
“And I cleaned the f**ker!” says the bishop.
 
“And I cooked the f**ker!” says the mother superior.
 
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap,

puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says

“You know what? You c**ts are alright.”

Todays Joke…… Two Clever Nuns……….

There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It’s logical. He wants to make love to us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later… 

SM: It’s not working.

SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. 

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, Say two Hail Marys!

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