Joke Of The Day; TWO MEDICAL STUDENTS AND THE OLD MAN…..

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”

The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki

Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class.”

Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:

“We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you

might have. Could you tell us what it is?”

The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”

The first student said, “I think its Peltry Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought……. But you are wrong.”

The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought……. But you are wrong.”

So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”

 

 

The old man said, “I thought it was a Fart…….. …………. But I was wrong, too!”

Joke – What A Great Weekend

 A balding, white haired man from Bellville, Texas, walked into a jewelry store in a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring

. The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’ At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000′ the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement

. The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’ The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.

‘ On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said ‘There’s only $25 in that account.’ ‘I know, said the old man,

‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’

See… Not All Seniors Are Senile.

Strange Tea that can make you laugh like crazy and eat like crazy -

image002

Sam and Miriam live in a retirement village and on one day, as they…

Sam and Miriam live in a retirement village and on one day, as they are sitting on a bench under a tree, Sam turns to Miriam and says,

“Miriam, I’m 85 years old and I’m full of aches and pains. You’re about my age. How do you feel?”

Miriam replies, “I feel just like a new-born baby.”

“Really? Like a baby?”

“Yes,” replies Miriam, “no hair, no teeth and I think I just pooped myself.”

Does this suit most Mother In Laws!

Mother in law wagon

Guess Who?

Guess Who

Joke of the Day: The Flower Show

Freda and Ethel, both in their eighties, are sitting on a bench outside Edgware town hall where they had just visited the annual flower show.

Freda turns to Ethel and says, “Don’t you agree that life is getting more and more boring?

We don’t seem to be able to have the fun we used to.”

“I agree with you there,” says Ethel.

“Do you know,” continues Freda, “I’d love to take off all my clothes and run naked through the flower show. That would liven things up.”

“I bet you £5 you wouldn’t dare,” says Ethel.

“You’re on!” says Freda and 2 minutes later, completely naked, she ‘streaks’ through the front door of the flower show.

As Ethel waits outside, she hears a commotion going on inside the town hall.

Then Freda, still naked, runs back out, followed by a smiling, cheering crowd.

“What happened, Freda?” asks Ethel.

“I just won 1st prize for Best Dried Arrangement

Joke Of The Day – Memory Class…

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

“What was the name of the Instructor?” asked the neighbor.

“Oh, ummmm, let’s see,” the old man pondered. “You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what’s that flower’s name?”

“A rose?” asked the neighbor.

“Yes, that’s it,” replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted,

“Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?

Coffee! If you’re not shaking….

Coffee

Joke Of The Day – 4 Husbands…

Oldie Message - hipsters

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered. “Interesting,” the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20′s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40′s, and a preacher when in her 60′s, and now – in her 80′s – a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(Wait for it) 
 
She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”
 
(Oh, just hush-up and send this one on to somebody who needs a laugh.)

Joke Of The Day – Five Old Ladies….

oldy 
FIVE OLD LADIES…..

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. 

Says he to himself: “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”   So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.  

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back… wide eyed and white as ghosts.   The driver, obviously confused, says to him “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!  What seems to be the problem?”

     “Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a
danger to other drivers.”  

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… twenty-two kilometers an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.  

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.   A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.   “But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… is everyone in this car OK?

These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven’t made a peep this whole time,”the officer asks. 

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer.  We just got off Highway 189.”

Meanwhile In Australia: Old People are doing other things that Bingo!(Coarse Language Warning) -

Fuck Bingo

Who wants to see the Wife’s Birthday Cake -

Wifes Birthday Cake

Meanwhile In Australia: Old People are doing other things that Bingo!…(Coarse Language Warning) -

Fuck Bingo

Meanwhile In Australia – Many of the Elderly get really angry if Bingo is cancelled – see

Strange Tea that can make you laugh like crazy and eat like crazy -

image002

Joke Of The Day – Sam and Miriam live in a retirement village and on one day, as they…

Sam and Miriam live in a retirement village and on one day, as they are sitting on a bench under a tree, Sam turns to Miriam and says,

“Miriam, I’m 85 years old and I’m full of aches and pains. You’re about my age. How do you feel?”

Miriam replies, “I feel just like a new-born baby.”

“Really? Like a baby?”

“Yes,” replies Miriam, “no hair, no teeth and I think I just pooped myself.”

Guess Who?

Guess Who

Now this suits most Mother In Laws!

Mother in law wagon

Old Men – They Still Can Think Fast…..

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’

The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’

Holding the bucket up he said,     ‘I’m here to feed the alligator…’

Some old men can still think fast.

Hairballs and Viagra -

Hair balls & Viagra

The Radio……..The Letter

This letter was sent to the Kirkcaldy High School Principal’s office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Kirkcaldy High School ,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the Raith home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to f*** off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,

Isa.

Last night I got so drunk that when I got ………

Last night I got so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs,

I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.

Then I crept upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake the kids or my other half.

It was only when I got to the very top I realised I was still on the bus home.

Man Walks into a Pub -

Bad Hearing can get you in trouble -

image004 (2)

Quick Rude Joke; When I Was In The Pub……

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying

that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.

What a pair of sexist twats.  I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing!

Tattoo Fail – Grammar -

Men versus Women getting a Haircut -

And the Plumber Fail Award goes to -

Bad Hearing -

image004 (2)

A Man And The Beaver – An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for ……

An  86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the  86-year-old said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’


I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.  “So what do you think about that Doc?” 

The doctor considered his question for a minute and  then began to tell a story. 

“I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter  and never misses a season.”

One day he was setting off to go hunting.  In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking
cane instead of his gun.” 


“As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver  sitting at the water’s edge.. 

He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t  shoot the magnificent creature. 

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if  it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’. 

“Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied , “My point exactly.

Hang On Grandma…..Stop Clapping Your Hands -

Joke Of The Day; Subject – A Woman, A Dentist and Looking Old….

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN’T LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL . . .
YOU’LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS
ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS
AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH
SCHOOL .

‘YES. YES, I DID. I’M A MUSTANG,’ HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?’ I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, ‘IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?’

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!’, I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLEDFACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED,

‘WHAT DID YOU TEACH??

Always have a Answer – Senior Citizen vs. A Cop…..

A senior citizen bought a brand new BMW Z4 convertible and drove it out of the salesroom.  

Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph; enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

“Amazing!” he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

“I can get away from him – no problem!” thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160.
Suddenly, he thought, “What on earth am I doing? I’m too old for this nonsense!”
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver’s side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said,
“Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I’m taking off for the weekend.
If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, “Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman.
I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, Sir”, said the policeman. 

Warning: Scam Against Older Men…..

Women often receive  warnings about protecting themselves at shopping centres and in dark car parks etc.

This is the first warning I have seen for men.. I wanted to  pass it on in case you haven’t heard about it.

A ‘heads up’ for those  men who may be regular customers at Bunnings, Mitre 10, or even K-Mart.

This one caught me totally by surprise.

Over the last month I  became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to  get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough  to think it couldn’t happen to you or your  friends.

Here’s how the scam  works:

Two nice-looking,  university-aged girls will come over to your car or ute as you are  packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out  of their skimpy T-shirts. (It’s impossible not to look).

When you thank  them and offer them a tip,they say ‘No’ but instead ask for a ride to McDonald’s.

You agree and they climb  into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing.

Then one of them  starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your  wallet.

I had my wallet stolen  March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th.  Also April 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th,  and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to  be careful.

What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

K-Mart has wallets on  sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for 99c at the two dollar store and bought them out in three of their  stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald’s. I’ve already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Bunnings, to Mitre 10, to K-Mart etc.

So please, send this on  to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in  the afternoon.)

Please take this seriously and pass on….

Grandchildren…..A Warm and Funny little story….

Grandmother was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d done many times before..

After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said,

“But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!”

I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye..

Warning; Scam against Older Men – In Australia……

Warning: Scam Against Older Men and this is  good

And a  lot of men would have been caught.

Women often receive  warnings about protecting themselves at shopping centres and in dark car parks etc.

This is the first warning I have seen for men.. I wanted to  pass it on in case you haven’t heard about it.

A ‘heads up’ for those  men who may be regular customers at Bunnings, Mitre 10, or even K-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.

Over the last month I  became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to  get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough  to think it couldn’t happen to you or your  friends. Here’s how the scam  works:

Two nice-looking,  university-aged girls will come over to your car or ute as you are  packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out  of their skimpy T-shirts. (It’s impossible not to look). When you thank  them and offer them a tip,they say ‘No’ but instead ask for a ride to McDonald’s.

You agree and they climb  into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing.

Then one of them  starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your  wallet.

I had my wallet stolen  March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th.  Also April 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th,  and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to  be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

K-Mart has wallets on  sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for 99c at the two dollar store and bought them out in three of their  stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald’s. I’ve already lost 11 pounds just running back and  forth from Bunnings, to Mitre 10, to K-Mart etc.

So please, send this on  to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in  the afternoon.)

Please take this seriously and pass  on.

Todays Cartoon…..Crude Oldies

Best Sex Ever…….

Best Sex Ever

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small town. The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.” Yes,” she says, “I remember it well.” OK,” he says, “how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?

“Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea,” she answers.

There’s a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, “I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.” So he follows them.. They walk haltingly along leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.

Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen- year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She’s yelling, “Ohhh, God!” He’s hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn’t know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I’ve got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, “That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? “You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of a secret?”

The old man says, “Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”

Todays Sexist Joke – An Old Flame…..

The Old Flame 

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called ‘out-of-the-blue’ to see if I was still around.

 We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

 I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that “old magic”.

 “Wow!” I was flabbergasted.

 “I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now”, I said,

“I’m a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me.

Plus I don’t really have the energy I used to have.”

 She just giggled and said she was sure I would “rise to the challenge”.

 “Yeah.” I said. “Just so long as you don’t mind a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days!

Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone…everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!”
 She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
 She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
 Anyway, she giggled and said, “I’ve put on a few pounds myself!”
So I told her to f**k off.

Breaking News …… A new Wine for Seniors!

A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted nights sleep.

NEW  Wine for Seniors

I kid you not…

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce

Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot   Grigio wines,

have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be   marketed as……

 
 

PINO MORE

Old Person Joke of the day…… Tender Moments – A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma

TENDER  MOMENTS

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma  for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. 

One day when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears:  ‘You know what? 

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.  When my business failed, you were there.   

When I got shot, you were by my side.   

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.   

When my health started failing, you were  still by my side… You know what Martha? 

‘What dear?’ she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. 

 ‘I’m  beginning to think you’re f**king bad luck…’ 

Todays Joke….Always have a answer……A senior citizen bought a brand new BMW

A senior citizen bought a brand new BMW Z4 convertible and drove it out of the salesroom.

Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph; enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

“Amazing!” he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

“I can get away from him – no problem!” thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160.

Suddenly, he thought, “What on earth am I doing? I’m too old for this nonsense!”

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver’s side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said,

“Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I’m taking off for the weekend.

If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, “Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman.

I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, Sir”, said the policeman

Old Men – They Still Can Think Fast…..

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’

The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’

Holding the bucket up he said,     ‘I’m here to feed the alligator…’

Some old men can still think fast.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,439 other followers

%d bloggers like this: