Aussie Humor….. I was sittin watching the Footy Match Of The Day……

I was sittin watching Match of the Day when the Wife  came into the lounge and says “Fancy a shag Babe?”

I said, “After the football love”

She said, “You do realize that you can record it?”

I said, “Nice, you get the camcorder, I’ll come upstairs when the footy finishes”.

Today’s Off Beat humor cartoon….The Bear and Rabbit

A MISUNDERSTOOD BILL CLINTON – Told by Hillary Clinton……

Finally, the true story as told by Hillary Clinton to world leaders……

Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when,at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice.

The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.

The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this wasthe best they could do on such short notice. 

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.

The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little funny.

By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. 

It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.

Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end, which made him feel even worse.

By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn’t remember which door led to the bathroom. 

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.

As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky’s office with his trousers around his knees. 

As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the President  whisper in a barely audible voice,  

   
“Sack my cook.” 

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred

Joke Of The Day; TWO MEDICAL STUDENTS AND THE OLD MAN…..

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”

The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki

Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class.”

Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:

“We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you

might have. Could you tell us what it is?”

The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”

The first student said, “I think its Peltry Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought……. But you are wrong.”

The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought……. But you are wrong.”

So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”

 

 

The old man said, “I thought it was a Fart…….. …………. But I was wrong, too!”

THE DEAD COW LECTURE- The best example for paying attention that I have ever heard.

DEAD COW LECTURE

This is the best example for paying attention that I have ever heard.

First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.


The professor started the class by telling them, “In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal’s body.” For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.

“Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked a them and said, “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now learn to pay attention. Life’s tough but it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.”

Quick Joke – 51 years ago, Herman James was drafted by the Army…..

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl……

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.


I kept thinking to myself,  please don’t get an erection,  please don’t get an erection………

but she did!

Funny One Liner – Doctor examines a man and says "you have 5 penises..

Doctor examines a man and says “you have 5 penis’…how do your pants fit”, The man said “Like a glove”.

Is the Economy that bad?

Is teh economy that bad

Australian Humor – Is your wife cheating on you – Right behind your back? -

Cheating Roos

Quick Joke – In Hindsight – (WARNING – Rude, Crude and Not PoliticallyCorrect)

Click on text to enlarge:

BT 2

It is Friday, Soooo….

Fifty Shades

Have a look at the "Pussy Train" coming down the hall

pussy train

Christmas Family Photo Bomb….

Family xmas photo bomb

Little Johnny vs The Teacher… (JOKE)

Little johnny

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully… If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
A very angry Johnny: Because,…. I’ve already got a fuckin’ cat!!!

Human……..your tail is on backwards -

Human Tail

Meanwhile At Walmart – Can you tie em’ in a knot Or flip over yourshoulders?

a

"Anti Wanker Spray" anyone? -

anti wanker spray

Adam and Eve Cartoon – Offbeat Humor….

adam and eve

Gordon Ramsay’s take on Kiwi Blokes and Sheep

gordon lamb

Meanwhile In Australia: Old People are doing other things that Bingo!(Coarse Language Warning) -

Fuck Bingo

It is Sunday Morning, who gives a…..

Sunday Morning

Milk with Attitude -

 bad milk

Three Good Manners Of the Male Penis…….

Three  good manners of the male penis.

1).Courteous – it stands before performing.

2).Emotional -  it cries during the performance.

3.)Polite – it bows down after the performance.

BlowJobs – his took….(Off Beat Humor)

Blowjobs

Dark Humor : Marcel Marceau Sword Fencing -

Marcell

This would have to be the the most rude and crude paper towel dispenser….

Toilet Roll holder

"I have come to the conclusion that Diarrhea of the mouth is a direct…..

6image011

This is why I am resistant to use public transport -

image008

Womens Thoughts About A Flasher -

Flasher

A great Toilet Sign that can be used elsewhere -

toilet

Turbo Vibrator -

When taking a clever photo, timing is everything, see -

How dare you laugh at my condition -

For F**k Sake.. Close The Door (VERY RUDE WARNING) -

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army…..

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

A very thoughtful gift that would suit giving to most politicians -

How not to be dick book

Message for the Day… *Coarse Language warning!

A Man And The Beaver – An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for ……

An  86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the  86-year-old said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’


I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.  “So what do you think about that Doc?” 

The doctor considered his question for a minute and  then began to tell a story. 

“I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter  and never misses a season.”

One day he was setting off to go hunting.  In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking
cane instead of his gun.” 


“As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver  sitting at the water’s edge.. 

He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t  shoot the magnificent creature. 

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if  it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’. 

“Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied , “My point exactly.

British Airforce Rude Humour -

Look at this carefully…it is a brilliant example of British Humour!

The British government has scrapped the Harrier fleet and on their farewell formation fly past over the Houses of Parliament they gave the government a message.

Lean back a bit from your computer monitor and squint. Seriously…push your chair back a couple of feet..

Hat’s off to the man that was leading this Squadron.

Some Dickhead is leaning on my car……..

So I went to get my car and some dick had me blocked in!

Todays Rude Cartoon…..

Click On Picture To Enlarge….

Show me Your Tits

Prostate Exam…Thai Style……

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service,

a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are

rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

“At this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to get an erection” said the nurse.

“I haven’t got an erection” said the man.

“No, but I have” replied the nurse.

What’s the difference between stress, tension and panic -

What’s the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,

And Panic is when both are pregnant.

Real Mens Rules…It’s OK to Cry ONLY under these circumstances……

It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

A Deep and Meaningful Conversation by Jim Carrey

Jim Carrey

A Man’s PERFECT Remote Control – RUDE Warning!! -

image002

Mom.. help me I’m bleeding…. Dark Humor -

ZYaKQ

I wonder why did they call this dog "Dick" ?

Shock – A Restaurant that does not serve Dog, Cat, Rat and Worms.

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