My son told me "Dad, I would like to have a tattoo." **WARNING-Explicit Graphic Photo!!!

My son told me – Dad, I would like to have a tattoo.

I told him – No; Nobody has one in our family … and you are not having one !!!

He asked me – Why not ? All my friends have a tattoo !

I told him – It would be a stain on your body !

He pleaded with me – Dad, please, please, just a Cartoon Character on the belly ?

And after many hours of discussion I gave in and decided to let him.

After all, he was a young man with his own freedom of choice …

and I thought ……. a Cartoon Character … is probably not so bad!….

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Womens Facial expressions like moaning and sighing are an important part of…..

Mayo Clinic Test

Facial expressions are an important part of the respected Mayo Clinic psychometric test.

In the following pictures you see women with a range of facial expressions.

Study the expressions, and try to imagine what single act each is experiencing.

Then scroll down to see the answer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They are all about to sneeze!
And by the way……

 

 

Legendary Quotes About France …. NOT to be taken seriously – Okay!

France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.”

Mark Twain

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“I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.”

General George S. Patton

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“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.”

Norman Schwarzkopf

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‘We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.’

Marge Simpson

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‘As far as I’m concerned, war always means failure.’

Jacques Chirac, President of France

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‘The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.’

Regis Philbin

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‘You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn’t have the face for it.’

Unamed U.S. Senator

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‘The last time the French asked for ‘more proof’ it came marching into Paris under a German flag.’

David Letterman

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‘Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada .’

Ted Nugent

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‘War without France would be like … World War II.’

Unknown

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‘The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says ‘First Iraq , then France .”

Tom Brokaw

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‘What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?’

Dennis Miller

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‘It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.’

Alan Kent

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‘They’ve taken their own precautions against al-Qa’ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.’

Argus Hamilton

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‘Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day –the description was, ‘Never shot. Dropped once.”

Rep. Roy Blunt, MO

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‘The French will only agree to go to war when we’ve proven we’ve found truffles in Iraq ‘

Dennis Miller

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Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?

A. Table for 100,000 m’sieur?

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‘Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris ? It’s not known, it’s never been tried.’

Rep. R. Blount, MO

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‘Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that’s because it was raining.’

John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv

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French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney

(AP), Paris , March 5, 2003

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris , caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

Product of the Week….An ideal gift for those who want to get their hands dirty..

Todays Joke …Sex with Ghosts

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies .

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?”

About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”

About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” Read the rest of this entry »

A Special Deep Motivational Thought for a Long Weekend –

Real Men Advice; No 1 – It’s OK for a Man to cry ONLY Under the Following Circumstances:

It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

Aussie Humor….. I was sittin watching the Footy Match Of The Day……

I was sittin watching Match of the Day when the Wife  came into the lounge and says “Fancy a shag Babe?”

I said, “After the football love”

She said, “You do realize that you can record it?”

I said, “Nice, you get the camcorder, I’ll come upstairs when the footy finishes”.

Today’s Off Beat humor cartoon….The Bear and Rabbit

A MISUNDERSTOOD BILL CLINTON – Told by Hillary Clinton……

Finally, the true story as told by Hillary Clinton to world leaders……

Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when,at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice.

The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.

The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this wasthe best they could do on such short notice. 

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.

The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little funny.

By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. 

It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.

Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end, which made him feel even worse.

By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn’t remember which door led to the bathroom. 

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.

As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky’s office with his trousers around his knees. 

As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the President  whisper in a barely audible voice,  

   
“Sack my cook.” 

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred

Joke Of The Day; TWO MEDICAL STUDENTS AND THE OLD MAN…..

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”

The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki

Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class.”

Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:

“We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you

might have. Could you tell us what it is?”

The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”

The first student said, “I think its Peltry Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought……. But you are wrong.”

The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought……. But you are wrong.”

So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”

 

 

The old man said, “I thought it was a Fart…….. …………. But I was wrong, too!”

THE DEAD COW LECTURE- The best example for paying attention that I have ever heard.

DEAD COW LECTURE

This is the best example for paying attention that I have ever heard.

First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.


The professor started the class by telling them, “In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal’s body.” For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.

“Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked a them and said, “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now learn to pay attention. Life’s tough but it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.”

Quick Joke – 51 years ago, Herman James was drafted by the Army…..

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl……

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.


I kept thinking to myself,  please don’t get an erection,  please don’t get an erection………

but she did!

Funny One Liner – Doctor examines a man and says "you have 5 penises..

Doctor examines a man and says “you have 5 penis’…how do your pants fit”, The man said “Like a glove”.

Is the Economy that bad?

Is teh economy that bad

Australian Humor – Is your wife cheating on you – Right behind your back? -

Cheating Roos

Quick Joke – In Hindsight – (WARNING – Rude, Crude and Not PoliticallyCorrect)

Click on text to enlarge:

BT 2

It is Friday, Soooo….

Fifty Shades

Have a look at the "Pussy Train" coming down the hall

pussy train

Christmas Family Photo Bomb….

Family xmas photo bomb

Little Johnny vs The Teacher… (JOKE)

Little johnny

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully… If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
A very angry Johnny: Because,…. I’ve already got a fuckin’ cat!!!

Human……..your tail is on backwards -

Human Tail

Meanwhile At Walmart – Can you tie em’ in a knot Or flip over yourshoulders?

a

"Anti Wanker Spray" anyone? -

anti wanker spray

Adam and Eve Cartoon – Offbeat Humor….

adam and eve

Gordon Ramsay’s take on Kiwi Blokes and Sheep

gordon lamb

Meanwhile In Australia: Old People are doing other things that Bingo!(Coarse Language Warning) -

Fuck Bingo

It is Sunday Morning, who gives a…..

Sunday Morning

Milk with Attitude -

 bad milk

Three Good Manners Of the Male Penis…….

Three  good manners of the male penis.

1).Courteous – it stands before performing.

2).Emotional -  it cries during the performance.

3.)Polite – it bows down after the performance.

BlowJobs – his took….(Off Beat Humor)

Blowjobs

Dark Humor : Marcel Marceau Sword Fencing -

Marcell

This would have to be the the most rude and crude paper towel dispenser….

Toilet Roll holder

"I have come to the conclusion that Diarrhea of the mouth is a direct…..

6image011

This is why I am resistant to use public transport -

image008

Womens Thoughts About A Flasher -

Flasher

A great Toilet Sign that can be used elsewhere -

toilet

Turbo Vibrator -

When taking a clever photo, timing is everything, see -

How dare you laugh at my condition -

For F**k Sake.. Close The Door (VERY RUDE WARNING) -

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army…..

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

A very thoughtful gift that would suit giving to most politicians -

How not to be dick book

Message for the Day… *Coarse Language warning!

A Man And The Beaver – An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for ……

An  86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the  86-year-old said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’


I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.  “So what do you think about that Doc?” 

The doctor considered his question for a minute and  then began to tell a story. 

“I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter  and never misses a season.”

One day he was setting off to go hunting.  In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking
cane instead of his gun.” 


“As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver  sitting at the water’s edge.. 

He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t  shoot the magnificent creature. 

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if  it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’. 

“Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied , “My point exactly.

British Airforce Rude Humour -

Look at this carefully…it is a brilliant example of British Humour!

The British government has scrapped the Harrier fleet and on their farewell formation fly past over the Houses of Parliament they gave the government a message.

Lean back a bit from your computer monitor and squint. Seriously…push your chair back a couple of feet..

Hat’s off to the man that was leading this Squadron.

Some Dickhead is leaning on my car……..

So I went to get my car and some dick had me blocked in!

Todays Rude Cartoon…..

Click On Picture To Enlarge….

Show me Your Tits

Prostate Exam…Thai Style……

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service,

a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are

rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

“At this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to get an erection” said the nurse.

“I haven’t got an erection” said the man.

“No, but I have” replied the nurse.

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